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BISEXUAL NEWBIES
Hi Lola,
I'm the male half of a M-F couple. We're both fairly accomplished professionals with a strong interest in maintaining discretion/privacy with regard to our "play" activities. We have been dating for about 2.5 years steadily.
Our orientation: up for grabs. She's more on the straight side but has experimented lightly with one woman. Her balance seems to be as the recipient of female pleasure, inasmuch as we've discussed it. I'm firmly in the bisexual camp. My primary interest is women. However, I very much love cock - orally, that is. I've experimented with giving and receiving pleasure from men - mostly by checking out a few NYC gay clubs and parties along the way. My balance is in giving oral pleasure to men and giving/receiving pleasure with women.
Our concern: how to explore the prospect of involving another or a couple in our sexual relationship... We had a great heart-to-heart talk the other night about where our boundaries were. We basically came down on the side of light play with others. She's not interested in another man's cock (even as I'd be interested in seeing her receive that pleasure) and she's not yet comfortable with another woman having full sex with me although she is interested in the idea of her and another woman orally pleasuring me, or me orally pleasuring another woman while she rides me. She's also interested in the idea of being the object of voyeurs as well as being a voyeur.
So, I'd like some advice on how to get started. I think we'd ultimately enjoy a group scene. However, I understand that we need to work up to something that's mutually comfortable. My main worries are:
a) ensuring that she feels completely comfortable and not threatened (by a man or a woman); and
b) ensuring that I don't feel "left out" of a situation that involves a couple or another man
I'm sure these are common concerns so I'd love to hear your thoughts on it all as well as suggestions on how we might get started without being overwhelmed and damaging what's currently a great relationship.
Couple from NY
Dear Couple from NY
First and foremost, thank you warmly for sharing your story. :) It sounds like the two of you are off to a wonderful start with a great foundation of open communication. So Kudos. You are a 100% correct in engaging in your 'internal' communication amongst yourselves prior to engaging with others. Your ability to set the boundaries is instrumental to having the mutual desires of all fulfilled. To decide to take a cautious and slow approach was very smart on your behalf. Often times people are over anxious and jump right in with out them EVER discussing their boundaries and mutual desires. The harm in doing so can lead to not only a bad evening but also the end to a wonderful relationship and compromised safety issues. It's apparent that your love and concern for not only your partner is paramount but so is honoring your already strong relationship.
In regards to your specific inquires:
a) Ensuring that she feels completely comfortable and not threatened (by a man or a woman)
First of all you've ALREADY started off on a great foot by openly communicating. After discussing your desires and boundaries are set, remember to always 'check in' with your partner. Not only when at a swing event or private encounter, but simply from time to time. As time goes on, you checking in will be a great barometer and gateway for more in depth discussions as well as naturally knowing when you can mutual decide when and how to proceed, if the feelings dictate so. Your decision to keep the play with others ‘light' is a great choice for you both at this particular time. Just simply make sure that your boundaries are not only clear amongst yourselves as a couple but also clearly and emphatically communicated to your playmates. In regards to the party atmosphere, you both need to decide the type of events you wish to attend: On Premise or Off Premise. When attending On Premise events, there are many couples who simply are spectators who enjoy being a voyeur, yet there are folks who choose not to swap with others at a party, but to play amongst themselves after taking in the sexual energy of their surroundings. Both are perfectly acceptable. Yet I strongly encourage you to discuss the 'expectations' of the promoter and party prior to attending. In swing the code of respect is an honorable one. There should never be any pressure to 'play'. If you find a party or promoter who insist on certain play, I urge you to be cautious and seek another environment that will respect not only your play preference but also YOU and your safety. Also, never leave her side when you are out. You enter as a couple and this is YOUR personally journey together. Give her the comfort of knowing that you are not only by her side physically but emotionally you are supportive. Your presence will allow her to feel that and will also eliminate any doubt of interaction with out her. Simply staying by her side is not only the gentleman's thing to do; it allows you both to experience the environment together.
b) Ensuring that I don't feel "left out" of a situation that involves a couple or another man
Communication and set boundaries boundaries boundaries. :) If both are in place, not only your desires and interaction are addressed openly you're boundaries are set prior to engaging with others. Since your desires skew bi-sexual it's important that you're playmates are privy to such. The same goes for a bi-sexual woman as well. Being a bi-sexual woman I always know that when I open up the 'external' conversation about my sexuality if the other woman is interested or not. If I get even an iota of hesitance or disapproval, it is clear that these are adults who are not suitable for me to physically interact with. I myself must be open enough to understand that not every couple will be compatible or accepting of such. Yet is 'our' responsibility to let others know our sexual preference, as no one desires to be at the receiving end of unwanted advances or a belligerent playmate. Secondly, state clearly on your online profiles your sexual orientation. This way when potential playmates read your profile, those who are not receptive simply filter themselves out. (Click Here for Profile Pointers) Not only does this save us all from the dreaded let down, it actually saves you time in your search for the people who are right for you. Honestly, you would be surprised how many men are either interested or have engaged in bi-sexual activity, just know you are not alone. :)
In conclusion, there ARE parties out there that welcome bi-sexual men openly. The best way to find them is not only communicating your desires via your online profiles, but also simply ask others in your area. (Let me know what part of NY you are in and I can better assist you) Just as the perfect wine, you'll need to put the legwork in to find the one for you. :) Remember to always keep your relationship a top priority and the communication open. This is your journey together....
Be Well Be You.
Kisses,
Lola
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