Hi there, I have a question: My husband and I would love to attend your parties but are they geared towards men (like all the other parties)! Lots of hot girls performers and no men?? The reason I'm saying this is that, I know a lot of couples like to go to these parties but we as women need to be turned on too! We need to see hot male performers and get aroused. My husband and all my friends husband love to see their wives all hot and bothered in these parties! I am young and sexy and love to come to one of your parties and I like to see Hot MEN! Men love to see their wives all turned on... if you want to see naked girls they know where to go! So I guess I'm making a suggestion rather than anything else here! Bring HOT male go go dancer/ strippers/performers if you want a success business! If the gfs/wives are turned on, husbands go to any parties, pay any money :)
Hope you think about my suggestions.
Thank you for reading.
Cheers,
Lisa K

Hi There Lisa. You bring up a WONDERFULLY valid point. Which is EXACTLY why HedoOnline has male entertainment as well as male hosts at our events. :) Being a woman I certainly agree with you 1000% . Take a peek at our event menu for Le Baiser and you'll see the 2 gorgeous gentlemen who will be a serving in my house and available for ladies to leave their lipstick marks on. - naughty devilish laugh. ;) I look forward to seeing you Saturday.

Kisses,

Lola

Lola ,

Hey we are attractive and young 31 and 29 of asain origin thus more conservative and inhibited originally. we love each other and have been together for almost 10 years since almost high school. we are both willing for interesting stuff but shy and she more than me of course. she likes to take about everything and is willing to try stuff but is hesitant in initiating. she likes to be dominated and will do anything if dominated properly. dont get me wrong we dont want to have sex with other people and are not desperate as our relationship is very important to both of us but do want to be more exciting and dont mind exibitionism or soft swapping (have never done the later). tell me how to proceed from here we are coming to the october 4th party both willing and coming to see how it feels)please tell how and what i should do to make her comfortable that night?

Newbees from AZ

Great to hear from you Newbees from AZ. First of all Le Baiser is OFF PREMISE which means NO SEX ON PREMISE. So simply think of it as a totally erotic dance party. There is NOTHING wrong being shy & simply exploring. My suggestion would be to come with an open and friendly attitude and simply enjoy the ambiance with no expectations of 'hooking up' that night.. One of the biggest mistakes couples have is: we're going and we're gonna hook up tonight! Why rush things? When you rush, there is opportunity for large mistakes and even possibly regrets. Your goal should be for an organic situation with magnetic chemistry. Although on the other hand if you come and don't speak to anyone, how will your ever know if the person right next to you could the that 'organic situation?' Don't be afraid to chat with others around you. As a matter of fact, please ask for me once you are inside. I'd love to introduce you to a few people. Until Tomorrow.

Kisses,

Lola

Lola,

My girlfriend and I have been discussing attending a party. Initially, the question was "do we have to participate?". After reading the questions and answers listed here I have found my answer. Thank you. Since neither one of us have an interest in men, now the question is "will we be the sole lesbian couple or one of very few lesbian couples?".

angst-ridden lesbians

Angst-Ridden Lesbian,

Our events consist of a beautifully eclectic array of guests. We do have several lesbian couples as well several single lesbians who have signed up . While a majority of those in attendance will be male /female couples, there ARE MANY women who seek ONLY female interaction. We are creating an exotic atmosphere infused with erotic stimulating visuals to enhance your dance party experience, bringing together like minded individuals. Simply put, just think of Le Baiser as a really sexy dance party where there are no judgments, a place where we encourage people to connect, dance, enjoy the entertainment, meet the Penthouse Pets ®, feel comfortable with your sexuality and hopefully make a few new friends along the way. You are NEVER expected to do anything but have a damn good time. (and eat my strawberries- hehehe) There should be no worries about your non interest in men. That's the beauty of being around other open minded people, we respect your choices and preferences. AS a matter of fact, once you are inside ask my staff for me, so I can introduce myself. I'm really looking forward to meeting you & a nice welcoming kiss. ;) Until Saturday.....

kisses,

Lola

I am not sure how far we would be willing to go with swapping but comfort and safety are obviously the key.

Thank you,

Patrick and Krista

Patrick and Krista,

Well, my lovelies if being voyueristic is your thing....You've come to the right place. :) Le Baiser is an OFF PREMISE Erotic dance party. Invision, being in NYC's largest dance club surrounded by like minded peers, bumping and grinding the night away to 2 of Gothams best DJ's. Simutaneously being visually stimulated ALL night by my house of Hedo Hotties, sultry perfomances, the yummy PENTHOUSE PETS ® AND the delicious sybarites who will be in attendance, like yourselves. ;) Then immediately following Le Baiser, our friends from Sensual Utopia will host the OFFICAL On Premise AFTER PARTY: Kiss Now~ Kiss Later. The after party will too, be a sight for your peepers FOR SURE! :) The environment, Sensual Utopia creates is an atmosphere highly sexually driven and PERFECT for players of ALL levels. There is NO pressure what so ever . So if you simply want to watch the debauchery or jump right in.......the choice is YOURS! Can't wait to meet you two. Make sure you ask for me when you arrive. Remember: MEN MUST WEAR ALL BLACK and ladies come in your pin up attire~ and HEY! I DO expect a kiss on the cheek upon your arrival! hehehe

Kisses,

Lola

Lola,

My wife and I are getting ready to go to our first erotic ball. We are both looking forward to it with little or no inhibitions. However I was wondering what the best way to approach this event is going to be. My wife and I are both fit and attractive (I am sure just like everyone else is in their own mind) and are looking to have some fun either with another couple or another female. My wife is more into the girl side of it and I am open to either just a female or a couple. My wife loves playing with other girls and wants me to get the chance to see it and even experience it. Although she does not want me to have intercourse with the other girl she does want me to enjoy just about anything else. We have had a drunken threesome in the past and talked about it after and figured out the lines that should not be crossed. With all that said what should I do to maximize the fun?

Mister and Misses DC

Mister and Misses DC

Ah, good question. First of all I always suggest going with an open mind & ready for fun between you and the misses and have NO expectations of others. Many have the misconception of: "Hey I'm going to as swingers party and I'm gonna get some!" lol Not always the case. What if you get there and you find you are not attracted to any of the other guests? Does that mean the party sucks? NO- not if your and the misses have fun. Do not go EXPECTING. Go with the intention of having fun with your parter and with an open friendly attitude & DO NOT BE AFRAID to start a friendly conversation. You'll find people are attracted to confident friendly individuals. If you simply go and become a wall flower, you can definitely expect no interaction from anyone. In regards, to your play preference- once you've found a potential playmate, let them know from the very begining what your play boundaries are PRIOR to any physcial interaction. Not only is it proper etiquette, doing so will maximize the enjoyment for all. Enjoy and don't do anything I wouldn't do! (naughty devilish laugh)

Kisses,

Lola

Dear Lola & Devon,

First of all, thank you for establishing this website...it truly provides a great forum for exploration into "the lifestyle" and without it, many of us would be lost!

Anyway, on to the question. My wife and I are 30 yrs old, and very attractive - she could be a model, seriously. And as such, we have some high expectations in terms of physical compatibility. We've been constantly undewhelmed at parties we've attended, but perhaps we haven't attended the right parties? We've been to three One Leg Up Parties and for the most part the crowd was certainly 40 and over, and I'm not sure who's approving the guests (you have to submit a photo, but from the clientelle, I'm not sure why). We went to one Skin Party, which was a huge step up, but was very tame - we're looking for an on-premises event. We're trying to decide where to turn next to find a mostly young (under 40) crowd of seriously attractive and physically fit couples and single women. Please help! We are very committed and in love, and truly enjoy exploring this side of our sexual relationship, but its starting to get to the point where we're losing interest because of the let downs we've experienced. Hope you can point us in the right direction.

Thank you,
Searching in Soho

Searching in Soho,

Thanks so much for your e-mail. The great thing about the Lifestyle, is that there are many different types of people and events that cater to them. One of the best ways to find the party that would suit your preference the best, is to either read our club/ party reviews OR chat with some people that you may be interested in meeting and plan an outting to an OFF PREMISE Lifestyle event. This way there is no pressure. The great thing about this is, if you state from the get go, We are inviting several friends for drinks and to hang out~ you can meet as many people at once with out expectations. THEN if you find you don't hit it off- no time wasted AND you still have an evening of music and socializing with others. You will find, that if you ask people online who tend to have the same taste you do about parties- they will give you HONEST feedback. Try not to get caught up in the flowery advertising promoters put out there. "We have the sexiest upscale couples and NYC'S Premiere event" is standard promotional lingo. Besides what one deems as sexy or beautiful is opinion and truly in the eye of the beholder. If there is a particular event you want to check out, ask around and see who else is going and if they have attended before. You'll be able to judge if that is the right atmosphere for you. Along with our reviews and you asking others you deem as your peers, ya can't go wrong. BUT, since you are looking for an ON PREMISE party promoter who attracts good looking people in your age range in NYC, I would suggest: SENSUAL UTOPIA & REDLIGHT EVENTS. Keep us posted.

Kisses,

Lola

Hi!Lola,

I will be attending the party in NYC on Oct.4th by myself. This is my first time at an event like this and I'm so excited! What do women generally wear? Do people usually dress there? (I may not want to wear seductive lingerie if I take the train!) If I signed up for the guest list, am I automatically on the guest list for the after party? Anything else you would like to share for a first timer? I am in a Master/slave relationship, but my Master won't be attending Thanks for taking the time! Ciao for now! Isabella

Hi Isabella,

I'm thrilled you'll be joining us~ With the permission of your master of course! ;) _smile _ For this particular event the attire for women is PIN UP. So you can either go Betty Page or Marilyn Monroe. It's TOTALLY UP TO YOU. I personally perfer to come to the party wearing 'layers' as I don't want to cause too much of a spectacle walking through Tribeca in a corset and fetish heels. (ahem- not that I haven't in the past.) lol As a first timer in my house, I encourage you to come with an open mind and ready to be stimulated. We have an amazing line up of performers for your visual stimulation, 2 of Gothams premiere DJ's along with a guest percussionist ready to take audio stimulation to another level, my signature strawberry feed to tickle your taste buds AND and an AFTER PARTY produced by SENSUAL UTOPIA that will truly bring the meaning of touch to another level. :) In regards to the after party, once you have been confirmed for the guest list, you'll receive instructions on how to solidify your attendance for the exclusive after party. CAn't wait to meet you. When you arrive, please ask my staff for me, so I may introduce myself to you. Until them my luv.....

Kisses,

Lola

Lola,

Last weekend my husband and I vacationed in Turkey, we are from Paris. We met a couple we've been chatting with for a while. During play the other husband asked to give me a golden shower. I said no, as I think it's horrid- but told him I'd be happy to piss on him. Which I did. I never did it before and I actually like it, a LOT. I want to do it to my husband but after he saw me pee on the other man he won't even be intimate with me. Which really pisses me off. Any suggestions.

Chole

Chole,

Hmmmm water sports eh? Well, luv it isn't for everyone. You obviously pissed off your hubby (no pun intended- ok maybe it was, it was just too damn easy lmao) What you found erotic and stimulating can have the total opposite effect on others, which it obviously did. If your husband is not into water sports DO NOT push him. It's apparent he needs a little space to process your new found sport, but don't allow distance. Offer up convo and keep the doors of communication open for when he's ready to talk. Until then keep your barn door shut, and always put your marriage before the Lifestyle....and pee pee games. ;)

kisses,

Lola

Lola,

My husband and I have been married for 17 years, and indulging in the Lifestyle for most our marriage. It has honestly been something that he 'spear headed' and now that I'm at the point I REALLY enjoy it, he's become a cold fish and totally uninterested. What am I going to do? I'm not ready to leave the Lifestyle. I'm afraid to even talk to him about it.

Marcy

Marcy,

As time changes, so do our sexual desires. There is a reason for his lack of interest and you will never find out unless you open up the dialogue and talk about it. Good lord woman, you've been together for 17 flippin years and in the Lifestyle for most of it & you mean to tell me it's a subject you're afraid to talk about? Pardon my bluntness, but if you can't talk about the Lifestyle with your partner~ you BOTH need to GET THE FUCK OUT. Yeah, I said it! lol I may sound like a broken record once again, BUT with out open communication indulging in the Lifestyle, can be disasterous. A marriage is a scared union and commitment you both made to each other. So treat it as such. Focus on your relationship and take a break from the Lifestyle. Find out the real reason why the leader of your pack is now gone limp. (no pun intended) It can actually be a fun adventure for you both~ finding new stimulation. Mmmmm

On a serious note, it can also turn out to be purely phyiscal, in which you'll need to seek professional medical advice. Either way, always keeping your marriage and communication a priorty is paramount. With out it, you'll never be able to truly enjoy the Lifestyle. Communication allows us to be better lovers. So think of your conversation as him writing you a personal map on how to bring him to his sexual utopia. Now grow some cajones, and talk to your man already! ;) Be well, be you.

Kisses,

Lola

Hi Lola,

We are new to the lifestyle, having decided to give it a try; but are stuck trying to determine the "best" entry point....are we better off searching for a couple online to show us the ropes; or dive right into an onpremises party? I am very outgoing, hubby is quiet, so we have slightly different viewpoints as to how to begin. Any help will be MUCH appreciated!

The key is purely communication luv. Plain and simple. You must discuss your options and desired outcome. The 2 senarios you propossed have two very different possibilities. Meeting a couple and connecting with them in such a matter that they are willing to 'show you the ropes' is far more intimate than- indulging in an on premise situationwith strangers, as you are newbie and I'm assuming that you do not know anyone on the scene , so to speak. I would suggest going slow, as it seems that you and your partner are on opposite sides of the spectrum here. Try the online social sites. Chat to see if there is anyone you connect with who understands your desires. Make sure your profile TRULY respresents who you are and what you are looking for. (for profile tips- click here) Perhaps meet them at a local lifestyle event, so that way if the chemistry isn't there, you can still enjoy your event and mingle with other folks with in the Lifestyle. There are also some really great yahoo groups you can join, where people communicate. You can feel to join our intimate one:

I'd also suggest, since your partner is on the more reserved side, why don't you try an OFF PREMISE erotic event. It would be a great place for you to begin. A nice way to introduce erotiscm in a comfortable non pressure situation. Our next off premise soiree is Saturday July 12th in NYC. View the videos below to get an idea of what to expect.

To attend the Brazilian Body Fest: CLICK HERE

There are many ways to introduce the lifestyle in to your relationship. But as with anything, go slowly. There is no rush. Besides, life is too short for regrets. As long as you keep your communication a priority and build a strong foundation, you and your partner can enjoy all the Lifestyle has to offer. That's why it's called the 'Lifestyle', it's a way of living...Best of luck & should you attend any of our events, please ask for me so I may introduce myself. :) Make sure you check our events page for some the the best Lifestyle events from several different promoters.

Kisses ,

Lola

Lola,

me and my fiance are 18 and looking for someone to have a threesome with because it increases his sex drive towards me. the only problems being i don't want her to touch me and i can't find anyone willing to do it. what do i do?

Riese of FLA

Riese-

First of all young love needs to be nurtured. A strong foundation built on communication is paramount - without it everything else is pointless. Since you stated he is your fiancee', it shows that you are both committed to spending you lives together. Open up and discuss your concerns with him. As a straight women in the Lifestyle, there is no rule stating you should EVER feel uncomfortable OR be physical with someone of the same sex. The Lifestyle is all about RESPECT. If you are seeking a 3 some simply to satisfy his desires and none of your own I would suggest you don't move forward with this at all. As NOTHING is worth loosing over a physical fling-especially a committed relationship. On the other hand , if the idea of a 3some is equally as rewarding for you as well , there are PLENTY of straight 'unicorns' out there- and yes they DO exsist! lol If you are a part of an online dating community state CLEARLY in your profile what you are looking for AND what you expect. (read Profile Pointers) Most importantly, take your time. You are young and there is NO rush. You have your entire life and marriage to look forward too. Life is far too short to have regrets. Take your time to get to know your possible third person, as friendships allow physical interaction to be far more rewarding. As always: COMMUNICATE, RE-EVLAUATE AND PLAY SAFE. :)

kisses,

Lola

Devon & Lola,

We are a very sexy NYC couple that likes to have fun. She is 24 and he is 33. We are looking to find a hot girl to have a threesome with us, we are picky, so where would you suggest is the best place to go?

Good Lawd! lmao if we had a dollar for everytime we've heard this question, Oprah would have NOTHING ON US! LOL Seriously though, it all depends on YOUR personality. How is YOUR approach, How is YOUR body language? What are YOUR expectations? All questions you and your better half need to discuss. In the Lifestyle, the sought after UNICORN does exsist. But how you get to her depends on the couple. ;) When engaging a third party, there needs to be a comfort level among all participants. NO one wants to join a couple when it feels like one partner is being 'pushed' OR the couple feels overly aggressive. There are several clubs or events where you can meet other women interested in a threesome. Although, what we would personally suggest is setting up a profile on a Lifestyle dating site of your choice. State your intentions on your profile CLEARLY along with photos. For tips on writing an alluring profile click HERE. Open up your IM and BEGIN with connecting with potential playmates. ;) It's far better to filter your prospects by taking the time for BOTH you and the Mrs to chat with the person prior to setting up a meet. This allows you the ability to get to know the person you are dealing with before indulging in physical pleasures. These days, safety should still remain paramount in your pursuit of happiness. ;) Happy Hunting....

kisses,

Lola & Devon

Dear Lola & Devon,

We are an attractive(really!) couple in NY who are in our 40's. Can you suggest events in NY that cater to our age group, in which the other attendees fit, hip, and fun? We seem to fall between 2 age demographics...old geezer vs young hotties. Any advice would be appreciated- thanx

BiMilf in NY

Dear BiMilf in NY,

Great question! There are actually several promoters who cater to those particular age groups. One that sticks out in my mind would be The Hampton's party for a lil on Premise fun. The promoter Gary always has great themes and carefully hand selects his crowd so all guests enjoy themselves. Secondly, I encourage you to join us on

Saturday April 5th for the Sybarite Awards Erotic Bash.

WE have guests between the ages of 25 to 45 all looking to celebrate the one thing we have in common: the LIFESTYLE. :) What better place to meet YOUR peers and others in a non pressure atmosphere. ;)

Kisses,

Lola & Devon

Lola & Devon,

I will be visiting NYC in February and have been put on the guest list for the latest Chemistry party happening on Feb 2. I'm very pleased about that. The problem is, I sent them a face pic only. I'm technically retarded and only have a small cam on my computer, so a full body shot was difficult.

Anyway, I'm not a thin person. I'm no a huge hog beast, not a slob. I know how to dress myself and I don't lack confidence or social grace. And I actually have a waist. But I have a big can and even a bit of a gut. I'm just not thin, get it? I supposed I'm what is called a BBW, more or less.

My problem is this: I have never been to a Chemistry party or any NYC type stuff like it and I want to know, should I be concerned? I have considered sending them another email explaining this to them, along with a full body shot, as soon as I can manage one, and giving them the opportunity to opt out of inviting me, no hard feelings.

Am I being too worried over nothing? I would really appreciate an answer to this because the date is coming up soon and I have no idea what to do. Thanks for your help.

Not thin in W.Va.

Dear Not thin in W. Va.-

Thanks so much for your e-mail. :) The only concern we have is YOU being worried about how people are going ot label you. As you know, we are honest as possible when responding back to everyone, and this one was quite easy to respond to. Many select party hosts ask potential guests to fill out these surveys along with photo identification is to help ensure that everyone is on the same "Frequency" and that doesn't necessarily mean it's based on how you look. However, if you attempt to skirt the approval process- and the prospect of you being concerned about your comfort level is a large issue on your behalf, we say go ahead and send that email and show them that a wonderful and beautiful woman you are and explain that you simply made a mistake in only sending a face pic. Aside from the decision to send that e-mail, it sounds like you already have been pre-approved for the guest list to attend. So -GO and have a great time! ;) We know Chemistry and they are a great entity we wish everyone could experience- Yet, like all events-it's not for everyone-no matter what your physical appearance may be. Have a blast!

Be well be YOU!~ Lola and Devon

Lola and Devon,

Is there a place for single straight men not in a couple in the SLS scene. It seems there are consistent requests for B-women but not so much for the sexually adventurous man. Psychologically having a relationship and then going into it is ok - as most want what others have (for guys another's woman, for women another's man or woman or both), however for the majority it seems that it is a couples oriented thing? How do you guys find that works out for singles in your experience?

From Audience Participation

Dear Audience Paticipation,

Thanks so much for your email. Yes, you are right. The epicenter of the Lifestyle are commited couples, hence the term "swinging". If not, it would simply be the singles scene with a bunch of sexually free people and not deemed as so 'taboo'. LOL (which hey, doesn't sound so bad. lmao) Yet there are several variables with in the Lifestyle, single females, single men etc. While most couples prefer activity with another couple, there are those who do seek singles and groups. Honestly it all boils down to ones preference. Many events do not admit single men simply because, the newbie single males who have just entered the Lifestyle tend to be very aggressive and carry themselves as if they are college kids in a strip club lacking respect towards the couples in attendance. Unwanted touching , gawking, comments and advances and be cause for ANY party to come to a screeching hault, which in turn can cause conflict. The Lifestyle is ALL about the respect for one another. There ARE singles who are the exception to the rule and completely understand the boundaries of engaging respectfully. That is why many clubs and promoters have incorporated events where single men are welcome. In New York, 2 Lifestyle clubs come to mind. Both The Long Island Manor as well as Roberto's Nighclub allow single men on Fridays. Our advice would be, simply asking some of the promoters and couples in your area of events welcome single men. If you are a part of an online dating community, search the couples who seek single males. Send them a polite message, introudcing yourself and ask if they have any suggestions for events or parties in your area. Chances are they will be your BEST resource and who knows, you make a few friends along the way. :)

Be well. Be YOU- Lola & Devon

Lola & Devon,

This past holiday we attended my company's holiday party. To our surprise, there were several couples in attendance from a lifestyle site we are members of. Due to my position in the company, we are obviously very discreet with my co-workers and no one knows of our participation in the Lifestyle. We do not mind of others knowing we are swingers, but I KNOW that my co workers are NOT the type of people to be openminded and accepting of this, so we keep it 'hush'. The table of couples, were staring at us all night and finally a woman came up to me and named the site we belong to right IN FRONT OF MY BOSS AND ASSISTANT! OMG! I thought I'd die. My reaction was 'excuse me?', and she just said "Never mind" and scurried back to her table. Once she sat down, the ENTIRE table was staring at me and my husband. You could hear them chatting "Yes, that's them. I think that's her. It looks like him." If they would of approached me discreetly, I would of been fine with it. But now, it's a running joke in the office that the VP is a swinger. Part of me is so embarrassed of the 'water cooler gossip' and the other part of me feels like I sold out my 'Lifestyle' comrades. I'm compelled to take down our profile but on the other hand I don't want to since it is the primary source of us meeting others and keeping in contact with many of our friends. Am I wrong?

K from Maryland

Dear K,

Being 'outted' is an awkward situation. Although, you should not be too hard on yourself. You did state that your co workers are not the understanding open minded type of people to embrace your Lifestyle. So, with that being said, and the teasing and 'water cooler' gossip we feel your reaction was justified. People must be mindful that there are individuals who require discretion and there is NOTHING wrong with that. Had the woman or someone else in her party had the cooth to speak to you privately, it sounds like you would of been open to chat. You did not sell your 'Lifestyle Comrades' out as you put it. You simply, adjusted to your environment. As far as your profile, there is no need to remove yourselves. Simply apply a little discretion by not pubicly posting your facial photos and instead placing them in your 'private or password protected' photo albums. This way you can still remain active and have the option to control and allow others to view your face pictures as you see fit. AND perhaps add a line or two in your profile text stating: We are proud members of the Lifestyle BUT we value our privacy and DISCRETION IS A MUST. ( and if you see me at a work related function with my BOSS AND ASISTANT SHUT THE HELL UP and chat with me in the bathroom! ) lol

Be well. Be YOU!

ciao,~ Lola & Devon

Lola & Devon,

How do you meet real couples online on adult f finder or others? and how can u see thru the fakes?
thanks- T

T-

Ahhhhh.....the million dollar question! lol Well there are several factors to consider. Let's first try YOUR profile.

How is your profile text written?

• Are you detailed?
• Do you list your boundaries and or desires clearly?
• Is the the text coherent?
• Did you spell check?
• Did you use complete sentences or did you write your profile like a teenage cyber junkie and use TOO much cyber lingo?
• Are your answers too short or too long?

Think of your profile as your advertisement. First impressions are everything. BEFORE anyone decides to even take the time to write you an inquiring email, 9 times out of 10 they look at what you have written. You can tell A LOT from what a person writes. It's a great opportunity to put your best foot forward. A great rule of thumb is to keep it simple when writing your profile text although stay away from the dreaded 2 word answers. Be detailed in who you are and what you are looking for. Show your personality through your words.

Secondly, what about pictures?

• Do you have any posted?
• What is the picture quality?
• What's in the background?
• How many do you have posted?
• Are there photos of both you and your partner?
• Do you have facial pictures?

Pictures are paramount in online dating. Now a days you don't need to be an award winning photographer to take an alluring photo. With digital cameras, anyone could take their own 'sexy pics' to post. Stay away from fuzzy cell phone pics. Only post photos with clear resolution. Posts photos with both you and your partner. The key is sex appeal NOT sleaze. We all know what gentials look like, vulgarity can be an immediate turn off to many, especially other females. Facial photos are also essential, as attraction is the intial step to meeting others. No need to publicly displays your mugs...lol although posting them in your "private, password protected or network" photo albums is a handy way to control who you allow to view your face pics. When taking your photos also be very mindful of what is in the background. Nothing is a bigger turn off than to see a photo of a sexy woman with dirty laundry, dirty dishes or children's toys in the background. lol For more info on profile tips visit our feature: Profile Pointers.

Sifting through the online fakes can be a bit of a chore. If you think of it in these terms, what YOU put out there is what you will recieve in return. Example: If you spit in the wind...what will you receive back? Spit. Plain and simple. Same theory. Probably not the most elloquant example, buy you get our point. lol Put your best foot forward. People will respect that. Also you and your partner need to evaluate 'how active' you are in your search and be VERY REALISTIC on your intended outcome. You mentioned AFF in your posting. AFF is a great online adult community. They are the granddaddy of online adult dating if you will. Try to spread your wings a bit and joining a site that is solely dedicated to an online 'swingers' lifestyle community. Chances are you'll have better luck with a site that caters to YOUR specific desires. For a list of Swing Lifestyle sites and reviews of them click here. You both may also want to try a few off premise events in your area, just to mingle, connect and make friends. Meeting people in a NO pressure environment such as an Off Premise event is a great way to break the ice and also gives folks the opportunity to 'validate or certify' you on your profile. When others visit your profile page and see that you are REAL and others have 'co-signed' on you so to speak, it does help in finding those 'real people' out there who have the same desire as you do.....meeting other REAL COUPLES. You can also get a webcam and ask to verify via webcam. Set a time that both you and your partner can be together and 'cam verify'. People will know you are serious and it's a great way to 'meet' before physically meeting. It saves time and all parties will be statisfied knowing whom they are chatting with.

Also, keep a messaging service dedicated to only your online dating. Being able to chat with people outside the dating site is important in keeping communication with others. Many IM programs are free of charge such as YIM, AIM, MSN etc. Once you chat with someone for a while, you can certianly determine gender, intention. If you find that you are not a match, no harm done. You never divulged your personal or work email addy, phone numbers etc. Simply and kindly say goodbye. Many programs also have a 'block' list you can utilize, should you need to.

A couple of redflags to look for in Online Fakes:

• No photos posted
• Photos posted of xxx stars, celebs etc.
• ONLY photos of ONE person (if profile states they are a couple)
• Asks for you to SEND pictures to them (photo collectors)
• NO profile text Or obvious profile plagiarism
• Asks for your phone number too quickly
• NO PERSONAL testimonmials, certifications, validations etc from others
• Not being able to chat with their partner
• Not willing to voice or cam verify
• inconsistent facts while chatting
• Does NOT take time to get to know you. Wants to jump to "Where are you, can I come over"
• Keeps sending you pictures, in hopes you'll do the same
• Vulgairty in chatting
• Too pushy

Our advice, start at home. Sit down with your partner, read other profiles and discuss what you like about them, what attracts you. Talk about what you BOTH expect out of this. DECIDE & AGREE on what you both want. Set your boundaries and procedures of communication. Self evaluate. Look at your own profile. Be unique and 'spruce up' your online image. Now break out that digi cam and most of all have some fun! :)

Be Well and Be YOU~

Lola & Devon

Lola & Devon,

hi this may be long but here goes.
we are a mid 30's couple who had a threesome with a male friend last year.she actually just had oral with him and then it fissled. When she was pleasuring him I was behind her and ejauctulated before i got it out of my pants!( he didn't ejaculate at all )so then her and i were having sex and after a little while he said he had to leave.( she was like huh?) and could'nt understand why he didn't stay to be with her. that left me wondering all kinds of things.she then began getting blocked calls , she started acting funny and u could cut the "sexual tension with a knife".he is a long time friend who has always liked her alot and said if i every screwed up he would be right there for her!she denied any contact but i could feel something wasn't right.i confronted him and he denies any contact.
i could go on and on about events and situations but won't.
i am not a jealous person by nature,but since then have become jealous and un-trusting.we talked about swinging for years and finally start and this is what happens.
any advice? he also is still a friend,is very well endowed ( like gynormous)and feel there were rules broken ( we set rules first) and don't know what to do.
i love her,want to continue in the lifestyle but somehow feel i was lied to.i almost want to get together again,let them screw and get this "uknown" negative jealous feelings out of my "male visual mind" HELP!
PS ALSO SHE IS ATTRACTIVE PETITE,BEUTIFUL WOMEN and mostly, a beautiful person.and very sexual.i dont want a divorce or leave even if she did have sex with him.i love her too much.
what do i do?
thanks
dan

Dan,

WOW! That's a whole lot. First and foremost, it sounds like swinging is NOT for you and your wife presently. From your letter, it sounds like there is a LOT of uncertainity and a huge lack of communication between you and your spouse. A marraige is a sacred union. Communication is PARAMOUNT. Secondly, why you you have a 3some with a close family friend who has ALREADY stated he 'likes your wife and WILL BE THERE for when YOU screw up?" OUCH! Not a good idea. I would question HIS intentions and loyalty as a friend and WHY THE HECK ARE YOU TWO STILL AROUND HIM? Ya, don't owe him money do you? lol

Seriously though, you state that you love her and don't wish for a divorce or seperation which tells us you and your wife need some third party help. A marriage counselor can give you a non judgemental place to openly discuss your concerns and disatisfation. We ONLY suggest the Swing Lifestyle for those who currently have the strong infastructure of a long committed relationship with open communication and the same agreed upon desires devoid to uncertainity and trust issues. The Lifestyle should not define your relationship but simply be a natural progression in ones journey as a couple. Our advice is to GET OUT OF THE LIFESTYLE NOW! Seek professional help and SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE! Click here for a listing of therapist in your area. We wish you both all the best.

Be well, Be YOU!~ Lola & Devon

Lola & Devon,

I was introduced to sls by chocolate over a year ago. We've been together for about 2 yrs now. We've got together for first time with a very nice couple (which I was very nervous) and that experience really opened my eyes to what I was/am capable of doing with my partner. I really didn't think I had it me, because in the past, I've been truly closed minded to how to have a truly opened minded, trusting relationship without all the game. For some reason I'm still having a hard time loosening up. Any suggestions?

Vanilla of (VanillaandChocolate)

The Lovely Vanilla,

Thank you so much for taking the time to write us. ;) I (Lola) can honestly say that I've had the honor of personally chatting with Mrs. Vanilla (no pun intended- lil Lifestyle Joke) and she is hands down such a sweet & sincere woman. Any hoo....back to your question~It is very common to feel nervous. Especially with others. Honestly I still get a tinge of 'nervous' when I meet Devon. I know it sounds silly after being together for so long, but it's the truth....he still makes my heart flutter. (wow- sound like a corny Hallmark Card~ lmao) Although this is a man I see all day every day. There is something about meeting him even, if I'm just waiting for him to pick me up at the post office, that sends a jolt of energy through me. It's stimulating. It's real and after all this time....I'm glad it still happens. ;) Needless to say, my point being,"nervous" is simply a human reaction, a human feeling. When emotions like these occur, it's our body's signal to bring your attention to the matter at hand, focus and possibly re-evaluate. When it comes to the Lifestyle, one of the largest most common mistakes a newbie makes is 'rushing'. Rushing to lock down another couple to have drinks. Rushing to have their first experience. Rushing - Rushing- Rushing. Although there is a huge anticipation and excitement for the first encounter and even those following, our advice is to TAKE IT SLOW....This doesn't constitute a snail like pace, but actually trying to spend time with those you 'wish' to become intimate with whether you chat via IM or over drinks. When you develop a friendship FIRST everything else will fall into place. It will also give both you, your partner and other couple involved ample time to discuss and understand limits and boundaries. Find common interests and simply break the 'ice' so to speak. The WORSE senario to be in is in the "midst" of it all and say "Wait a second! What the hell am I doing here?". Not fun and totally uncomfy for all. Put it this way, treat the Lifestyle the same way you dated Chocolate.....no rush, take it slow and make it rewarding. Although the long term goal is not to 'marry' the other couple the 'courting' is essentially the same. Why give up all the goodies at once? Sometimes the buildup can be just as stimulating.....think of it as a form of foreplay. Take your time, tread lightly and have no regrets! ;)

Kisses,

Lola & Devon

Lola & Devon,

We are a couple in our later 30's from south Florida. We've been to several parties and clubs here but recently visited New York and followed your suggestion to attend one of your 'HedoOnline Certified' parties. OMG! We had such an incredible time. The people we met were actually fun & friendly and we enjoyed ourselves tremendously. My husband and I were talking about the event we attended and noticed that the party itself wasn't as different as some of the parties down here as far as the club itself, music etc. But in NY it seems like the people REALLY know how to party. Thank you so much for the advice and we know to now look for that 'HedoOnline seal'. When will you review some of the parties here in Florida and what the hell is it that make New Yorkers so much fun?

Patrick and Lisa, South Beach

Patrick and Lisa,

Thanks so much for your email and compliments. :) We totally remember you guys and if our memory serves us correctly....YOU totally know how to party. lol At HedoOnline we developed our HedOnline Certification so people in the Lifestyle know what quality brands to support. It's here to save YOU time and money. We have the pleasure of visiting many events and meeting several promoters weekly. To attend these events, patrons like yourself spend a premium to surround themselves with likeminded people. It can be highly dissappointing and costly to attend events that are not 'what you expected'. The HedoOnline Certified events are promoters who have a consistant track record of producing quality events, so it is our goal that when you see the Certified Logo you know that you are about to embark on something wonderful. There are actually some really great parties that take place in South Florida. Try checking out SKiN for some erotic off premise fun.

To answer your question regarding what makes New Yorkers so much fun.....ah forgedaboudit! lmao Like you mentioned, the party you guys came to at Crash Mansion was a HedoOnline Certified event. So, you had first hand expierence. Remember each event you attend is what you make out of it. The both of you came to the Sexxy Mofo party and decided to let loose and have a great time. When you come with 'fun' in mind your destined to be the life of the party and people follow suit. Carry that same energy with you back home to South Beach don't just keep it tucked in your back pocket for when you're on vacation! ;)

Kisses,

Lola & Devon

For those of you who are new readers, this is the HedoOnline Certified Logo:

Lola and Devon,

We are a young couple (early 20's) that have been dating for almost 5 years (since we were 16). We LOVE the idea of the lifestyle and the opportunity to expand our sexual horizons, but we are getting very frustrated. It seems like people tend to look at us like 'kids' and it's becoming very difficult for us to meet others. Any suggestions?

Kim and Jeff- Long Beach CA

Dear Kim and Jeff,

Thanks so much for your e-mail. It's great that you both have come to a point of openess and respect in your own relationship to explore the wonderful terrain of the Lifestyle. Often times couples in the Lifestyle have long standing relationships as you do- the difference in your particular case- is obviously your age. While there is the 'gen x' aspect of the Lifestyle- couples range from 20 something all the way through the 60's with the average medium age range of late 20's to the mid 40's. It sounds like many of the people you've probably have run into are older than yourselves, which means they all know what it's like to be 21. As for myself (Lola) regardless of what my NY State Drivers License says I'm truly 23 at heart (LOL) but I do recall how life was and how I felt at 21. Looking back in retrospect, I can honestly tell you what I desired at 21 is far different from what I desire now. With that said, every couple has boundaries. Many couples choose only others in their own age range and couples who are married. By choosing to interact with others in your own age range- chances are you'll have far more in common and a greater chance for developing long lasting friendships. We know several couples who only choose to interact with couples who are married as it shows great commitment and hopefully greater communication. People tell us all the time about how they wish things for them would just "happen". The Lifestyle is a journey not a quick fix. We suggest, think of it as a relationship, mindfully take baby steps and nurture it. The more cautious and careful you are in the begining- allows you to build a strong foundation with learning along the way, which is paramount in being able to experience the Lifestyle to the fullest. Just as you wouldn't pressure your own spouse or signifcant other, give the Lifestyle the same respect and you'll notice that like-minded people will gravitate toward you. There is no 'rush', as you have each other to enjoy- your encounters with in the Lifestyle will happen soon enough. Yet tread carefully and RESPECTFULLY as the worst thing to do is have regrets. Remember what you put 'out there' is what you'll receive in return. So, here's another suggestion: perhaps consider updating your website profile....and on that note: patience grasshopper- patience. ;) Be well, Be you.

kisses,

Lola & Devon

Lola,

I have a question for you. I'm recently divorced and my husband and I were married for 13 years and in the 'Lifestyle' for most of our marriage. I've decided to remain in the Lifestyle as a single female and for the most part I'm having a great time. The one issue I do have is the people I encountered as a 'married couple' ALWAYS mention my ex. It becomes very uncomfortable as our divorce was turbulant and not something I wish to openly discuss. I tried to change my 'social circle' so to speak but no matter what 'He' still happens to pop up in conversation and it's a true libido stopper. I don't see myself in the 'normal dating scene' and still want to enjoy the Lifestyle- but it seems difficult. Would YOU remain in the Lifestyle as a single woman. What should I do?

Should I stay or should I go- Rochester

Dear Should I stay or should I go,

It happens often when a couple divorces or breaks up that they may decided to remain as singles in the Lifestyle. Women more often than men choose to stay because there is a comfort level with the respect to boundaries. As for myself, I can honestly say that it would be a decision I would have to make when the situation arises. Each person experiences break ups differently. While the release of a relationship can feel completely liberating and lead one ready to go out and hit the social scene- there are many people who simply take 'time off' so to speak. It truly depends on your own circumstance. In regards to the mention of your EX, it's to be expected. It happens to everyone. Whether you are in the Lifestyle or not. Only time will soften the piercing sound of his name. lol If you find it as a 'libido stopper' it is understandable- yet very telling. Perhaps some 'time off' would suit you well. Sounds like there are still some unresolved issues. Be well, Be you.

kisses,

Lola & Devon

Lola & Devon,

We've been in the Lifestyle for several years now. We have made many many friends. Both my husband and I cherish the friendships we've developed. There is one couple out of the 5 couples in our little group that we have grown not to be 'attracted to' anymore. When ever we all hang out together, it seems that 'that couple' is steadily growing more and more annoying to me. We are are older in this particular social circle. (40's) But 'that couple' over the years gained weight and has aged more so than the rest of us. They also seem to be the ones who 'expect' more out of our gatherings together. How do I express my feelings to my friends without totally offending them. I do care about them, but I think in regards to the Lifestyle that we no longer wish to 'see them' in the same way as the past.

Chrissy + Andre

Chrissy and Andre,

To be honest with you this happens a lot. We develop friendships over the years with in the Lifestyle and those that you 'play or party' with change and so does your feelings or "attraction" to them change as well. It does become a bit more difficult once you've grown close to others during the years, to acknowledge that you don't share the same physical attraction any longer. In your case with such a long history and cultivated friendship- honesty is still the best policy. (yes, our 'mantra'- LOL) It is NEVER comfortable to tell someone "Thanks but NO Thanks." You DO care about their feelings, as you should- so before things become intensely uncomfortable- break it to them softly. Words can be painful to some while others may not take it so personally, so depending on 'who' your friends are choose wisely. Also, try to put yourself in their shoes. How would it feel being on the receiving end of the 'let down'? It sounds like you and your husband truly hold your friendship with the other couple in 'high regard'- so treat it as such. Kindly tell them you truly value their friendship but have decided as A COUPLE that you feel it's best not to continue a 'physical relationship' with them. Just don't come out saying:" You're old, fat and NOT hittin' THIS anymore!!!" LOL Have a little finesse. Most people won't question a personal decision agreed upon between husband and wife. If they are truly your friends they will respect your decision. :)

kisses,

Lola & Devon

Lola + Devon,

I'm soooo embarrassed. Words can't even describe. I've just learned that a woman at my church saw our profile on a Lifestyle dating site and has told EVERYONE. When we attended church on Sunday all eyes were on us and people are starting to now treat us different. It seems that now we are no longer looked upon as 'respectful'. We are parents of 4 children and VERY concerned about how our little secret that was 'tucked' so deeply in the closet is going to effect them. I grew up going to this church and it hurts so badly that when I walk into the room a silence falls over the room and people turn their backs to me. I feel it's my right to attend service here but part of me wants to run and hide. What am I going to do?

Karen W.

Clearwater, Fla.

Karen,

First and formost you should never feel embarrassed of who YOU are. I would question WHY the woman from your church was on a Lifestyle site in the first place. Is she merely 'curious' or an actual 'swinger'. Either way consider the source. She would of never known of your personal life in the Lifestyle had she not been there herself. Many times people who do not know much about the Lifestyle tend to be highly judgemental. You may also think about the 'fear' of the unknown, it can cause people to re-act and talk in ways unimaginable. It is utterly immature to be so "gossipy" in regards to another's personal life and sexual preference. Due to the fact you participate in the Lifestyle, it does NOT mean that you are 'less' of a person, parent or even "church goer". It is simply a sexual preference made by consenting RESPECTFUL adults. As far as your children- as a parent you must make that executive decision on what's best for your family. Depending on the age of your children and your relationship with them will determine your course of 'damage control' if you will. Whether or not you decide to remain a member of your congregation is purely up to you. Have comfort in knowing that there are literally millions of others in the Lifestyle. You are not the only one nor are you the only one who has been 'outted'. The Lifestyle is all about openess and respect. Point blank. Regardless of how others my re-act, always maintain your dignity, respectfulness and kill em with kindness. Don't ever compromise yourself just so others are more comfortable with the way THEY view YOU. Be well Karen and BE YOU! ;)

kisses,

Lola & Devon

Devon and Lola,

As a recovering alcoholic (1 1/2 years sober) I find it very difficult finding lifestyle events where I feel comfortable. It seems like all the parties are centered around drinking and most people ask if you 'want to meet for drinks'. Is it impossible to be in lifestyle and remain sober? It seems that there is not only drinking but other 'substances' being used. I'm new to this whole thing can you help me out?

Dan from Iowa

Dan,

First we applaud your sobriety. KUDOS!!! :) The Lifestyle is like any other 'scene' in regards to the subject at hand. You simply must find where you comfortably fit in. While meeting for drinks is a common practice as an ice breaker- rest assured that you are NOT the only sober individual in the Lifestyle. The last event we went to, Lola was drinking nothing but water. "Such a big partier" as the bartender said-lol. Then she gracefully tripped over another lovely lady in the middle of the dance floor. Face first I might add. While she was completely sober- the rest of the party patrons may of argued differently. (because regardless of how LOLA puts it- she wasn't soooo graceful, wink wink) So don't worry about looking awkward or feeling like an 'ass'at any of these events, we or should I say LOLA already has that covered for you! LOL

We do understand the serious and sensitive subject of being a recovering alcoholic. It is a rough journey for many. Due to the fact you are just shy of your 2 year mark, we would suggest a couple of things: 1) seek counseling with a trained professional with whom you feel comfortable discussing your issue with 2) do a little research- Google is an amazing resource that can help you find virtually anything. As we are on the east coast, we are not very familiar with the Lifestyle scene in Iowa. You may also want to visit: NASCA. NASCA is a wonderful database that could possibly lead you in the right direction. 3) If you and your spouse are using Lifestyle Dating Sites to meet others- try including this little tid bit of info with in your profile. You would be surprised how many others have dealt or are dealing with the same situation. There ARE non alcoholic lifestyle events out there....you just may have to do a lil digging. :) So, to answer your question: NO it isn't impossible to remain sober in the Lifestyle....but be careful because some of your encounters are sure to be intoxicating! ;) We wish you the best and again congrads!

Kisses,

Lola + Devon

PS- And for the DAMN record DEVON.......my fall was very graceful~ one might say "I move like a dancer". LOL

Lola + Devon,

My husband spends so much time on Lifestyle dating sites and on the net chatting with these other people it's starting to make me pissed. We began as newbies about a year and a half ago and now it seems obsessive. I could be cooking, cleaning and getting the kids ready for bed and he just sits on the PC checking all of our accounts and on our yahoo chatting. It's driving me nuts. It's like all he thinks about and I'm begining to be turned off AND ready to leave this whole lifestyle thing alone. Before it was about 'our' enhancement- now it seems like he's just looking for the next MILF for him

Pretty Pissed In PA

Pretty Pissed,

Whoa. We can see where your coming from. First tell him to get off his ass. lol If he's allowing the computer to become an obsession while everything goes down around him- something needs to be said. Try to remain non judgemental and non confrontational though. Tell him of your concerns but most importantly about the help YOU need. It sounds like your plate is full and hands are full as well. The Lifestyle shouldn't neccesarily be seen as an 'enhancement' but something that you both agree to indulge in within your respected boundaries. 'Enhancement' implies that your relationship could be in need or lacking something. A couple should only begin to dabble in the waters of the Lifestlye is they are both secure and understand the territory being treaded. If a partner feels left out of the process, lines of communication are mixed, signals crossed and misunderstandings and jealously arise. It's very common to be drawn to the internet. I know that I personally have spent a day surfing the next to look up and find that several hours have passed. Sometimes in front of the computer time just seems to slip away. You may be surprised-He may feel that he is doing nothing wrong- so just tell him how you feel. TALK TALK TALK......but you already know that. ;)

Kisses,

Lola & Devon

xoxoxo

Lola + Devon,

We are a plus size couple. We have a great sex drive and really know how to please! I mean really. But we keep getting the 'sorry we're not compatible' excuse. We read your feature article and felt like "DAMN" maybe 'we are NOT compatible' is because we are 'large people'. We are a great couple but it seems that people just won't get past the profile pic long enough to find out. Any suggestions?

Chunkymonkytimes2

Chuckymonkeytimes2:

Thanks so much for your e-mail. First of all, know that you are not the ONLY plus size couple out there. :) The average woman's size in America is a '12' and NOT everyone is a gym rat or waif model, nor do we want to be. But, we can't force anyone into attraction either. Because so many of us in the Lifestyle meet others through mediums such as the internet the initial 'elimination' process usually begins with outward looks pertaining to profile pictures. How about investing in a digi camera and taking some erotic flicks of your 'hot mama?' Help bring out the sexxxiness you find alluring and perhaps others will see what you're so attracted to. ;) Also, there are many sites who cater to larger couples as well as groups on some of the Lifestyle dating sites which will help in your endevors. Best of luck.

Kisses,

Lola & Devon

Lola and Devon,

Because of your advice we attended our first Lifestyle party a few weeks ago in NY. (The SKiN party) We had such a blast and just wanted to say thanks. But I have to be very honest, there are a few things that really concern me. It seems like some people are really aggressive and that's intimidating to me as I'm kind of shy. Women seem to have no issue kissing and groping each other openly in front of EVERYONE and even approaching some of the other men. I'm not sure I really like that type of behavior. I can't stop thinking about the icky STD's you can get and it turns me off. At one point a woman came and began dancing with me and my husband and I did have a twinge of jealousy. This hasn't happened to me before. I'm not usually a jealous woman, but she was so beautiful and the way he looked at her set me off. What should I do?

So confused

Staten Island

So Confused,

First and foremost it all begins at home. Your feelings are valid and honest. Discuss them with hubby. The Lifestyle generally isn't a place for jealously, but jealously does happen. Parties are a great place to meet like minded people. (especially SKiN parties) Talk about how you feel and why with him- it's the best place to start. What you both expect out of your experience is paramount. Secondly, the thought of STD's is something we ALL should be mindful of. Just because you participate in the 'Lifestyle' does NOT mean you should act irresponsibly. It also doesn't mean that you are or have to act promiscuous. There are many of us in the Lifestyle who hold our 'play dates + playmates' in high regard and are VERY selective of who we choose. The Lifestyle is a part of many people's lives but because you participate in it- doesn't mean it IS your life. So, talk talk talk to your man- you'd be surprised what you may uncover. See you at the next event.

Kisses,

Lola + Devon

Lola + Devon,

HELP!!!!!! My fiance and I have played in the lifestyle for about 3 years now but engaged for 12. Usually we play w/bi females as it is rare that we find another couple that we are both attracted to. I'm usually attracted to the women and I find the men not as attractive. We have recently met a couple that were both hot- but the wife, as hot as she is doesn't do it for either one of us. Yet I'm very attracted to her husband + to tell you the truth I'm too sure why. I tried to approach my fiance about a mfm, but he seems to not be interested at all. We always have fmf- so what's the big damn deal? I feel like it's totally NOT fair and I'm starting to get pissed.

WTF?- from Palm Beach

Dear WTF,

WTF?!? Tell your man to suck it up and 'take one for the team' damn it. LOL But in all seriousness- you mentioned that he is you 'fiance' which tells me that you're going to embark on a serious life commitment. As in any relationship, especially one as important as a marriage, communication is everything. (I know it sounds like our mantra-lol) First I'd say completely take your ego and hurt feelings out of the equation and open up the discussion with your man. You may uncover the 'real' reason why he may fear the mfm. A lot of times in a threesome someone is always left out. Just the dynamics of numbers. It could also be your carnal desire for another man that can be intimidating to him. Men feel many times that in a fmf they still hold the 'control' and 'alpha male' role. The possiblity of a mfm could pose a 'possession' issue for a man. I realize that in those words it may sound harsh but when we break it all down, we are still 'animals' regardless of how civilized we are now a days. Animal magnatism is real. Attractions are real. The feeling of 'ownership' is real as well. We just choose not to discuss it because it can make us sound as primative as the cavemen in the Geico commercials. Love can make us act in ways we never imagined, but so can desire to 'smash out' the next hot thing. lol Try talking to him again, from a point of openess and non judgement. You both may have to 're-define' your own boundaries. The lifestyle is full of wonderfully sensual couples and eventually you're bound to find one that does it for the 'both' of you. It's out there. Trust us. ;) Secondly- tell your man to take a shit or get off the damn potty.....engaged for 12 years- Christ girlfriend! Sounds like you two have more to discuss than just threesomes. lol But back to the subject at hand...Remember if your relationship is truly important, never let your desire for another influence actions outside your commitment to your man. To break your OWN rules is the worst thing you can do.

Kisses,

Lola & Devon

Lola,

Just wanted to drop you a quick note to say thanks. We spoke at the MINX party on Saturday and I was telling you about the blonde I was interested in. (The girl you were dancing with) I was telling you how we are new to this whole 'lifestyle' thing. It's exciting and scary at the same time and haven't found anyone to 'hang' out with yet because my husband Mike and I never agree on the same 'type' of person. I told you that I was really interested in that blonde and how my hubby and I would only play with people we are both attracted to, and sadly he wasn't into the blonde girl. Well, your advice worked, and ended up having a great time with her. (wink wink) and my husband was perfectly fine with everything. Thanks and OMG Devon has the sexxiest eyes. mmmmm

C+M

PA

C + M,

My pleasure. ;) I'm glad that all worked out for you. It's important to always discuss your likes/dislikes with hubby so you always know where everyone stands. Everyone has different preferences, especially when it comes to sexual attraction. There are times that Devon and myself don't see eye to eye in regards to who we'd like to 'play' with- it happens to everyone. Remember that you and Mike entered this journey together, so make it fun, safe and memorable....and sometimes a lil compromise doesn't hurt~ I told you he wouldn't mind 'just watching'. ;)

Kisses,

Lola & Devon

Devon and Lola,

It was such a pleasure meeting you both at Nikki Beach this weekend. We were a bit nervous as we've never been to a swinger's party before, and spent most of the night sitting along the wall by ourselves. But, when you 2 sat next to us- you were so friendly and welcoming. Lola and I shared a laugh watching Devon dance by himself. LOL We just wanted to say, thanks for helping us feel comfy. As a 'newbie' couple what other places can we explore together where there isn't a lot of pressure? We'd love to eventually be as comfortable introducing ourselves to others the same way you did. We LOVE your advice column and wanted you both to know you guys look even better in person! Devon has the sexiest eyes!

T + R

Manhattan, NY

T+R,

Thanks so much for the e-mail! We did tend to laugh at poor Devon dancing all alone on the dance floor- didn't we? But I'm not sure if that was as funny as you trying to attempting keep your breasts in your shirt! Holy cow mama- You've been BLESSED! B-L-E-S-S-E-D! If I do say so myself! LOL That's one lucky hubby you have. ;) As far as the best places for you both to explore- well, there are so many!!! If you check under our club/party reviews here on HedoOnline, you'll find HONEST reviews from people who've actually attended some of these parties. That's a great start for you. Read through what other's have experienced, that's why this site is here. :) The best part of it all, is actually attending them yourselves. You may find a particular event far more tantalizing than the person next to you. That's the beauty of the Lifestyle....there's something (or someone) for everybody. Think of it as you and 'R's' sexual expedition- YOUR pursuit of pleasure. You can even play dress up and invest in a safari hat for 'R'- hmmm......sounds kinky. ;)

To address your second question, about confidence: if I remember correctly- after a little bit of 'liquid courage' you did seem very friendly and outgoing! lol Usually we've found that you have to take the first initative. It's perfectly normal for others to be hesitant. It's human nature- BUT, if we all took the first step to break the ice, who knows what lies ahead. Even if you are not sexually attracted to another, it doesn't mean you can't stop to say hello. A simple greeting goes a LONG way. You never know who you may 'hit it off with'. Besides, aren't we all attending these events for the same reason- to be immersed in an enviroment of the like-minded? So, we say when attending these parties/clubs stop holding up the wall and extend your hand to say hello....who knows how you'll be 'repaid' afterwards. ;)

kisses,

Lola + Devon

Lola + Devon,

We used to read your advice on *** and just wanted to thank you both for such great insight. Your advice and honesty has cut out a lot of the 'guess' work for us newbies.

Thanks,

Sweet SINsation from CT

Sweet SINsation,

First of all....LOVE the name. ;) Secondly, thank you sincerely for the compliment. We're glad we were able to help- besides we 'aim to please'. (in everything and everyone we do- LOL)

kisses,

Lola + Devon

L and D,

About a year ago my husband and I took a wonderful 'lifestyle vacation' through a lifestyle website. We had a blast. The people, the environment, the food- everything was wonderful. Yet at this vacation our lives took a dramatic turn. After 20 blissful years of marriage and about 11 years in the 'lifestyle' my husband discovered that he is 'bi'. We have found if very difficult to find our 'match' with in the lifestyle. All seems to go well at first. We usually frequent parties and clubs and even meet people for drinks or dinner. But when things become 'intimate' the other couple usually feels uncomfortable finding out that my husband has recently discovered he is bi. There have been times where very harsh words have been exchanged and a great evening turns into an abrupt good-bye. Any suggestions?

Tonya and Kyle

from Omaha

Tonya and Kyle,

Hmmmm....sounds like the issue here is communication. It is our experience that many couples in the lifestyle have limited time to 'play' as many of us have families, jobs etc. Honestly, the people you find in the lifestyle are among the most open and like minded individuals you will encounter. Waiting until the '11th' hour to talk about boundaries and sexual preference is equivalent to a 'lie' as most are concerned. Besides who has time to waste these days?

The beautiful thing about the lifestyle is, there is somebody for everybody. The lifestyle if full of wonderfully sexy people who run the spectrum of sexual preferences, desires, boundaries, fetishes, looks etc. We feel it is to your benefit to talk about your desires and expectations with the other prospective couple or individual prior to becoming 'intimate'. This way the time you set aside to 'play' is well spent and all parties leave satisfied.

You've been in the lifestyle for sometime now. Whether you play often or occasionally we're sure you realize the lifestyle is all about trust and respect. Extend the same to others, and it will be extended to you both as well.

kisses,

Lola + Devon

Lola + Devon,

My husband and I met you two in 2003 at a SKiN Party. You guys are not only outwardly beautiful but your marriage is one to marvel at. We haven't met another couple so in love and in tune with each other. What's your secret.

Marie and Mark

Los Angeles

Marie and Mark,

Wow! What a wonderful comment. Thank you both. :) The key to our marriage is communication, great sex, honesty, great sex, friendship, great sex, trust, great sex, the occasional 'martial aid', great sex and simply a shared love of life. Oh, did we mention great sex? LOL Seriously though- we are best friends which makes all the extras such as the lifestyle so much sweeter! See you at the next party.

kisses,

Lola + Devon

Lola + Devon,

We are on several lifestyle and adult dating websites. I'm a 30 something fit woman and receive a ton of correspondance. I honestly can walk into a room and heads turn. My spouse on the other hand isn't such a 'looker'. He's a bit 'plump' and is begining to loose his hair. By the time we exchange face pics with others I'm usually propositioned for situations minus my husband. We are very in love but it's hard when the interest from others usually lies in just me and they don't want my husband. He's such a nice guy and always goes out of his way to accomodate others, but I want him be just as desired as I am.

Half Hot

from Houston

Half Hot,

Well, not to sound shallow or disrespectful- but is he God given ugly or just a receeding hairline and chunky kind of unattractive? If it's a facial thing- brown bag him. (just teasing-smile) But- really, if the issue is something simply asthetic that can be manipulated such as weight loss or simply shaving his head so his hairstyle isn't reminiscent of a high school algebra teacher's absurd comb over. Help the man out a bit. Encourage him participate in the activities that help keep YOU fit. The great thing with men is as the age they become distinguished. A man can shave his head and look 10 years younger instead of worn out with a rapidly decreasing hairline. Men with bald heads are extremely sexy. (That's Lola talking- Devon doesn't co-sign on this one. lol)

Secondly, since you are meeting people through the net- perhaps your profile should include pictures of both of you. Often times couples feature their wives and girlfriends and the men are rarely seen. If you both are visible from the get go, you may have a better chance of connecting with those who are attracted to you BOTH.

But always remember- sexy is a state of mind.

kisses,

Lola + Devon

Lola & Devon,

First of all we love you guys and enjoy your advice and great sense of humor. It was such a pleasure finally meeting you guys last month at the party. We were just wondering why you don't post your pictures here on the site? You should!

Roxy and Gavin

from Manhattan

Roxy and Gavin,

Hey guys! So nice to hear from you. We love you guys as well. :) The reason we chose not to post our pics has nothing to do with looks. (As you know my Devon is the hottest! wink wink) Since we are writing reviews and advice we want people to always be honest and themselves around us. This way if we review a party or club for the site- it is genuine. Nothing is worse than people putting on a 'show' just because you plan to write about them.

kisses,

Lola + Devon